-- Unemployable --

by Lee Hart

"Get up, you lazy bum!" scolded his wife, smacking him on the head with a newspaper. "All you do is putter around the house, fiddling with your toys, and eating my cookies all day. We've got no money, no savings, and no pension. It's time you got a real job," she finished, throwing the paper in his lap. It was conspicuously folded to the "help wanted" section.

"But dear... I have a real job," he countered.

"Yeah, right. You work one day a year. And you don't even get paid!"

"But I enjoy it so much. It keeps me young, ho-ho-ho."

"Don't you ho-ho-ho me! Now I made an appointment for you at the unemployment agency. And wear your good suit; not that ratty old red one."

So it came to pass that a keen young man at the unemployment office found himself facing a rosy-cheeked white-bearded fat man.

"What are your skills, Mr... Claus?" he asked, looking down at the form.

"Well, I like people. I'm good with animals. And you might say I'm an experienced deliveryman."

"Let's see what we can find." He turned to his computer, and clicked away for a while. "Ah. Here's an opening for a teller at a bank. That should be a good fit for someone who likes people. Here, take this card and go to this address."

"Jolly good," said Mr. Claus.

The next day, he was right back in the same office, in front of the same clerk, who was on the phone with the bank manager, and looking rather flustered.

"But... But... Four thousand dollars? No, sir. I understand, sir. He did what with the money? Oh, dear... I'm so sorry, sir. I..." But the party on the other end had apparently hung up rather abruptly.

"Mr. Claus, I don't think you understand how banking works. You weren't supposed to give away their money!"

"It's my nature, I guess. I like making people happy. And they were certainly happy when they left."

The young man sighed, and turned to his computer.

"Let's see if we can find something more suitable for you. Ah, here's one where you'll be working with animals. Take this card and report to the Zoo."

A day later, and he was back again in the same office, before the same clerk.

"Mr. Claus, I just got off the phone with the zookeeper," said the exasperated young man. "He said that after you fed the reindeer, they flew away. That's what he said; they didn't walk, they flew away. They even caught it on the security cameras! What on earth did you do?"

"I told you I was good with animals. They were so unhappy being penned up like that. So I gave them a little something so they could go on vacation and have a bit of fun. They'll probably be back at feeding time."

"But reindeer can't... You couldn't..." He threw up his hands. "Oh well, let's try one more time."

He punched away at his computer, and at last came up with something.

"Are you sure you're an experienced delivery driver?"

"Oh yes," he replied. He thought about how full his sleigh was when he made his rounds. Yet he always managed to find every house and deliver everything on time. "I must say I'm very good at it."

"Well then, take this card and go to this address, and please don't screw it up this time."

Of course, he was back again the very next day.

The young man was on the phone, trying to calm down the man from the delivery service. Though you couldn't understand the manager's words, it was obvious that he was shouting quite a lot, as the clerk had to hold the phone away from his ear.

"Oh-Kay", he hung up and addressed Mr. Claus. "It appears you did in fact deliver all the packages. But tell me how you managed to park the delivery truck on the roof! And why did you throw all the packages down the chimney?"

"Isn't that normal? I've always parked on the roof. It's so hard to find a parking place, you know."

The young man banged his head on the desk.

"You're... You're... Unemployable!" he moaned. "How can I possibly find a job for someone like you?"

Then his eyes brightened.

"Err, how old did you say you were?"

"I didn't," said Mr. Claus, with a twinkle in his eye.

"Would you say you're over 65?"

"Oh, yes. Quite a bit over, if you must know."

"Then I think I have a solution to both our problems," he smiled.

Santa came home, whistling a cheerful Christmas tune and looking very jolly.

"How did it go?" asked Mrs. Claus.

"Very well indeed!" he said, snagging a freshly baked cookie and sitting down in his favorite chair. "I've had three jobs, and did so well that they signed me up for something called 'social security'. Now I'll be getting a pension check every month for the rest of my life."

"That's wonderful! I'm so proud of you. See, all you had to do is get a real job."

"Yes indeed. Getting a job was a great idea, dear. But I've been thinking. Maybe you should go out and find a job, and get one of these 'security' pensions too?" The twinkle in his eye was brighter than ever.

Lee A. Hart